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Sunday, January 17, 2016

Regret, Grief and Moving On

I got a message while I was at work; a friend's daughter asked me to call her. She told me that her mother, an old friend of mine, passed away. Cheryl was Laura's mother. I have a ton of posts about Laura; she was an unlikely friend for me who changed my life forever. Laura is why I teach, she's why I want to open a home for teen moms; I still think if she had a place to go that was safe, she would still be with us;

Laura was young when I met her, she was a vibrant young lady that was full of life who happened to get on my last nerve. She acted just like I did when I was her age; I saw straight through some of her shenanigans; over the years she became one of my dearest friends. I watched her grow into a beautiful young mother that had her entire life in front of her. In a flash, it was over.

That Saturday will be vivid in my mind until I die; I was at Karaoke with my sister and I saw I missed a call from her mom. It was my turn to sing, so I got up to sing and let the call go to voice mail By the end of my song I had multiple missed calls from her mother. I walked outside and called her back; she told me Laura was being life flighted to Houston; she told me she was hit by a train. I could hear the panic in her voice; I simply said, "I'm on my way" and I hung up. I ran back into the bar and drug my sister off stage by the arm while she was singing. She was singing The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You", to this day, I change that song when I hear it. I never want to go back to that night and that song takes me there in an instant. I ran home, grabbed my bags and told my mother, I didn't know when I would be back. I knew I would stay as close to Laura as possible until she was better. At the time all I could think was"I hope she gets better." My sister decided to ride with me; I'm so thankful she did.
While I was driving to the hospital, I called my friend (the father of Laura's child) and told him what was going on; he loved her so much; I was so worried about him. If I live to be 100, I never want to hear him sound the way he sounded. The agony in his voice, the sound of his sobs, his screams asking why are all as vivid today as that night. About halfway to Houston, I received another call from her mother; this time the call was to tell me, she passed. I thought of my friend immediately; I left a message for him to call me. When he called me he asked "Is she gone?" My heart shattered for him as much as it did for her mother when her mother told me.

There is not a word for a parent who lost a child. that defies the laws of nature .Her mother was so lost; she had two daughters; however, they didn't leave near by and they didn't see her often; Laura was her baby, she had just moved out a few years before. Her mother was older when she had her and they had a different relationship; Cheryl was never the same.

When Laura died, I focused every single moment on making sure her mother and the father of her child were ok; I never once grieved for her; I focused on them; they lost more than me...Cheryl lost her baby. I can remember her calling me in the middle of the night on numerous occasions, crying hysterically because she missed her so much. We were each filled with regret; she was gone so soon. I saw Laura the Thursday before her accident; she confided in me that she and her boyfriend at the time were fighting and she was very torn because she really didn't have anywhere to go. I told her I was going to my parents for the weekend and she was free to ride with me if she wanted so she could get away and clear her head. She asked me to call her before I left; I did, she didn't answer and I went home. For years, I beat myself up wishing I would have gone to his house and thrown her in the car.
I never did because I first hand how much worse abusive relationships become when someone tries to intervene for the abused; I would never want to put Laura in harms way....little did I know, by not intervening, she would be gone before Saturday night.


The guilt I felt for not making Laura go with me fueled me to focus on them. I felt so bad, I remember kicking myself thinking, if I had made her come with me, she'd still be here. The irony of this is, you couldn't MAKE Laura do anything; she was a strong willed woman. Once she made up her mind, that was it. If she wasn't going, she wasn't going.

Even in knowing this, I beat myself up. I poured every free moment I had into making sure the two people who loved her the most were ok. I would cheer them on and remind them she wouldn't want them to be sad. I would listen to the cry and do anything I could to make them smile. While doing that, not once did I give myself the chance to miss her, grieve for her or make peace with what happened.

Years later, I've never done that. I've taken her flowers on her birthday and for years I maintained the land where her cross is placed; but I never actually sat down and cried because my friend was gone. Not after the first few minutes I cried when I got the call; and as soon as I hung up, I shifted my attention to something else. I focused on caring for them.
Until this weekend, I never realized that Laura's mother was a bookmark in a chapter I had never closed. I thought the chapter was closed and I had moved on but her mother was my last connection to my friend. She was my last thread to the regret I carried with me for years. When I got the call Friday; I told my friend, I just lost my last connection to Laura. Each person that was tied to that friendship has been slowly taken away; I've grieved the loss of each friendship that was tied to her; but never Laura. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend. today I realized, I watched over her because I felt like I owed it to Laura. Laura would want someone to watch out for her mother, so I did. That's why she is the book mark in my chapter; when she died, the bookmark was removed. It was ripped out for me to never look at again. when I realized that, it hurt really bad.

After I found out Cheryl died, I was so mad. Cheryl was my friend, She encouraged me when I was sick; when I've struggled as a single mom, she has told me how proud she was of me. She has spoiled my child to no end and cared for both of us when we needed it. She did all of these unsung things for me and I never gave her the credit for them outside of thanking her. After I became a mom, our calls became fewer because my time was so sparse; she understood that and would tell me how she remembered those days. I went to visit her New Years Eve with my sister and we enjoied our visit with her. She was so sweet and always made me laugh and I took all of those things for granted. Sometimes, it was just because life kept us busy and over the years she had started a business and was often caring for others. She had moved on and didn't need me as much but we stayed in contact.
Until this week; while I was at urgent Doc, I received a picture message from her with a bruise on her eye and a message that said, I'll explain later. I love you and Lan...I was so sick I didn't reply. Once I got home, I forgot about the message. At least 3 times this week, I've thought, I need to call Cheryl and I would forget. Lan and I were supposed to go visit her next weekend, she knew this and I needed to iron out our plans. I called other people, I text other people, why didn't I call her back. Why didn't I let my son talk to her one more time? Why; that's all I keep asking is why....every time I close my eyes, tears pour down and I can't stop thinking of it. I don't even know if she was alone when she passed and I'm so scared to ask....I feel horrible.....the worse part is that I'm grieving both she and Laura now. Everyone else has moved on from this....now I get to....I'll carry her in my heart forever but I have to let her go now...it hurts so bad; it's like a fresh wound....I know it will heal but for now it hurts to even move....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Landon Week 1

He's perfect, honestly. He looks just like me from the little peachfuz hair standing on the top of his head to the 2 toes that are webbed on his little foot. He is a laid back baby honestly. When he cries...something is wrong...seriously wrong....he knows me already...he just snuggles in when I hold him. he is already my world...I already can't remember my life without him. love when I see him that's all I can think....love pure and true love....

Predator~~Him / The Prey~ My Heart

**This one's an old journal...it doesn't have a date..but those who know me also know my story's always the same so it's hard to tell who it's really about....but here it goes***

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

***Focus girl, breathe, write it out, Pen in hand is the only time ADD doesn't make a difference. It's the only time you overcome it, focus...just write..it's as natural as breathing to you***

Why do I always jump ahead and screw things up. I end up being hurt every time. I get caught up in the flames and end up burned. Im tired of feeling like this, IDK where I belong or where I'm supose to turn. I'm frustrated and confused. I'm happy and sad; laughing and crying all rolled into one. I'm spinning into circles again....
I'm scared. I'm alone and I'm shaking. I'm all twisted, hurt and it's my fault. I bring it on myself. I am my own worst enemy. And it never fails I get sidetracked and loose sight of my goal. Now i'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm cold, I'm scared. He doesn't know, he could have already hurt me..how the hell did he get in? He's working past a wall. A wall built up over years and years. The harder I fight the closer he gets. That part is blocked off, tied up and dead; or so I thought...guess I was wrong because somehow, he's right there so close to breaking in. I'm not sure what to think. He's everything I looked for and everything I thought was impossible to find..I'm scared it will be over before it starts...that hurts...it's not my call I just have to wait and see. I'm scared of being hurt again. The scars are fresh so fresh that my brain says runaway. My hear says wait, this feels different...but is it? I can't tell he is for real...or like all the others...that hurt girl says "he got what he wanted see if he stays." The faithful part of me who believes there is good in people says "just trust him"
Trust is hard when the scars are there constantly reminding you not to trust, not to believe, not to listen. I'm so scared now. But it's to late...
I just have to stand here looking fearless and never letting him know, how truly close he is.....no matter what...he'll never know....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Road Revised and Revisited

My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

random thoughts

I am trying to balance 3 blogs now and a baby...lol as if I wasn't busy enough.....between trying to get my energy back to what it once was; this post baby and post thryoidectomy weight off and finding a job that pays worth a darn I have very little time. I have noticed in this busy scheudle of mine my stress level is higher and higher; then I realize the simple things I am not doing. I long for a simple schedule of getting up @ the same time everyday for work; my current job does not even have that. I know some people love setting their own hours, while it is nice in some aspects with a baby in others I do not have enough motivation at times for this idea to be very productive. I thrive on a routine, get up take a shower, wake the baby, feed the baby, so on and so forth...when I come home feed the baby, bathe the baby and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I thrive on a schedule. I like spontataniety for spring break vacations or summer vacations; however for my daily life I need a plan.

For many years before I went to bed I read a little and then I wrote. Here lately those two things are lacking. My stack of books to finish is now as tall as it was when I was in college. My brain is as scrambled as the eggs I eat in the morning. I notice that when I do not write I make no sence. My writing is rambling and odd I am sure but somehow it clears my head and everything seems better once I write it out. I used to tell my students to write it out all the time. I know that it can help you say what you want to say but for some reason when you say it out loud it always comes out wrong. Writing is as natural to me as breathing. I love the rythmn of keys of my laptop. Even on paper I love the sound of a pen to paper....yes if you write franticly like I do there is a sound to it. My keyboard and I are like two long lost friends seeing each other for the first time in years. We are the friends who just pick up where we left off. What is even funnier to me is that when I looked through my edited posts of my blogs my baby blog had 4 posts that were started and never finished. One had nothing but a title, not very helpful when I am trying to remember what I was wanting to say. Some were fully written just not edited or published. Some were notes of what I intended to say but did not have time to finish. This is something that would have made me nuts years ago but now I simply have to take in stride and realize the blog is on the back burner now matter how bad I want to sit for an hour and write till my lil heart is content. For now my heart must be content with 5 min spurts. :)
But the rest of my evening is filled with the coos and laughter of the cutest lil boy I ever made. :) lol

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Landon

He's perfect. From the peach fuzz on his head to the 2 little webbed toes he is just like me. He looks just like me at that ages even when he cries. Which he really does not do that much...when he does something is definately wrong. You forgot a bottle, tummy hurts or something.
He knows me. Thankfully because in 5 weeks I will have to leave him for a week to get my Radioactive Isotope for my cancer treatment. I won't be able to hold him or feed him for 20 days. The 48 hours for surgery was killer. I can't imagine what this is going to do to me. I know God has his hand on both of us already. I know God did not bring him in my life to take me from him this early. I will do what I have to do but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I have trouble sleeping when he's not in the room or at least on the baby monitor. I'm not sure that my family realizes that but it's true. I already freak out about him getting sick or people getting him sick. I'm worried it's too cold for him to go to the park in his stroller when I go walking. Now mind you I have every type of stroller/carrier wind proof thing known to man. According to my sister he could manage Boston with some of this stuff but I'm not to sure about this Katy Perry...hot then cold weather we have in east texas.

He's changed me forever...it's not just a cliche... I thought it was but I know it's not now. I won't ever look @ life the same way again. I always wonder what life is like from his eyes and his point of view.
I not the same person and I'm glad I'm not.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Changes Keep Rolling

Well in less than a week Landon will be here. Ready or not time's up. I have found out another challenge; I have found out I have cancer. It's thyroid cancer and my doctor is very optomistic but it's still scary. I realize God is in control and he never gives me more than I can handle; however, right now I'm having trouble hanging on to that at times. I need to stand strong and trust him. It's a very scary situation knowing I am sick, unemployed and have a newborn to worry about. I'm sure I'm not the first woman in this situation; however, it feels like I'm all alone. I know i'm not I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me and I know they will be there. But I still feel so alone at times it's nerve rackings. I pray that God will get me through this storm and on to bluer skies quickly.