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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Landon Week 1

He's perfect, honestly. He looks just like me from the little peachfuz hair standing on the top of his head to the 2 toes that are webbed on his little foot. He is a laid back baby honestly. When he cries...something is wrong...seriously wrong....he knows me already...he just snuggles in when I hold him. he is already my world...I already can't remember my life without him. love when I see him that's all I can think....love pure and true love....

Predator~~Him / The Prey~ My Heart

**This one's an old journal...it doesn't have a date..but those who know me also know my story's always the same so it's hard to tell who it's really about....but here it goes***

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***Focus girl, breathe, write it out, Pen in hand is the only time ADD doesn't make a difference. It's the only time you overcome it, focus...just write..it's as natural as breathing to you***

Why do I always jump ahead and screw things up. I end up being hurt every time. I get caught up in the flames and end up burned. Im tired of feeling like this, IDK where I belong or where I'm supose to turn. I'm frustrated and confused. I'm happy and sad; laughing and crying all rolled into one. I'm spinning into circles again....
I'm scared. I'm alone and I'm shaking. I'm all twisted, hurt and it's my fault. I bring it on myself. I am my own worst enemy. And it never fails I get sidetracked and loose sight of my goal. Now i'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm cold, I'm scared. He doesn't know, he could have already hurt me..how the hell did he get in? He's working past a wall. A wall built up over years and years. The harder I fight the closer he gets. That part is blocked off, tied up and dead; or so I thought...guess I was wrong because somehow, he's right there so close to breaking in. I'm not sure what to think. He's everything I looked for and everything I thought was impossible to find..I'm scared it will be over before it starts...that hurts...it's not my call I just have to wait and see. I'm scared of being hurt again. The scars are fresh so fresh that my brain says runaway. My hear says wait, this feels different...but is it? I can't tell he is for real...or like all the others...that hurt girl says "he got what he wanted see if he stays." The faithful part of me who believes there is good in people says "just trust him"
Trust is hard when the scars are there constantly reminding you not to trust, not to believe, not to listen. I'm so scared now. But it's to late...
I just have to stand here looking fearless and never letting him know, how truly close he is.....no matter what...he'll never know....

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Road Revised and Revisited

My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

random thoughts

I am trying to balance 3 blogs now and a baby...lol as if I wasn't busy enough.....between trying to get my energy back to what it once was; this post baby and post thryoidectomy weight off and finding a job that pays worth a darn I have very little time. I have noticed in this busy scheudle of mine my stress level is higher and higher; then I realize the simple things I am not doing. I long for a simple schedule of getting up @ the same time everyday for work; my current job does not even have that. I know some people love setting their own hours, while it is nice in some aspects with a baby in others I do not have enough motivation at times for this idea to be very productive. I thrive on a routine, get up take a shower, wake the baby, feed the baby, so on and so forth...when I come home feed the baby, bathe the baby and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I thrive on a schedule. I like spontataniety for spring break vacations or summer vacations; however for my daily life I need a plan.

For many years before I went to bed I read a little and then I wrote. Here lately those two things are lacking. My stack of books to finish is now as tall as it was when I was in college. My brain is as scrambled as the eggs I eat in the morning. I notice that when I do not write I make no sence. My writing is rambling and odd I am sure but somehow it clears my head and everything seems better once I write it out. I used to tell my students to write it out all the time. I know that it can help you say what you want to say but for some reason when you say it out loud it always comes out wrong. Writing is as natural to me as breathing. I love the rythmn of keys of my laptop. Even on paper I love the sound of a pen to paper....yes if you write franticly like I do there is a sound to it. My keyboard and I are like two long lost friends seeing each other for the first time in years. We are the friends who just pick up where we left off. What is even funnier to me is that when I looked through my edited posts of my blogs my baby blog had 4 posts that were started and never finished. One had nothing but a title, not very helpful when I am trying to remember what I was wanting to say. Some were fully written just not edited or published. Some were notes of what I intended to say but did not have time to finish. This is something that would have made me nuts years ago but now I simply have to take in stride and realize the blog is on the back burner now matter how bad I want to sit for an hour and write till my lil heart is content. For now my heart must be content with 5 min spurts. :)
But the rest of my evening is filled with the coos and laughter of the cutest lil boy I ever made. :) lol

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Landon

He's perfect. From the peach fuzz on his head to the 2 little webbed toes he is just like me. He looks just like me at that ages even when he cries. Which he really does not do that much...when he does something is definately wrong. You forgot a bottle, tummy hurts or something.
He knows me. Thankfully because in 5 weeks I will have to leave him for a week to get my Radioactive Isotope for my cancer treatment. I won't be able to hold him or feed him for 20 days. The 48 hours for surgery was killer. I can't imagine what this is going to do to me. I know God has his hand on both of us already. I know God did not bring him in my life to take me from him this early. I will do what I have to do but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I have trouble sleeping when he's not in the room or at least on the baby monitor. I'm not sure that my family realizes that but it's true. I already freak out about him getting sick or people getting him sick. I'm worried it's too cold for him to go to the park in his stroller when I go walking. Now mind you I have every type of stroller/carrier wind proof thing known to man. According to my sister he could manage Boston with some of this stuff but I'm not to sure about this Katy Perry...hot then cold weather we have in east texas.

He's changed me forever...it's not just a cliche... I thought it was but I know it's not now. I won't ever look @ life the same way again. I always wonder what life is like from his eyes and his point of view.
I not the same person and I'm glad I'm not.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Changes Keep Rolling

Well in less than a week Landon will be here. Ready or not time's up. I have found out another challenge; I have found out I have cancer. It's thyroid cancer and my doctor is very optomistic but it's still scary. I realize God is in control and he never gives me more than I can handle; however, right now I'm having trouble hanging on to that at times. I need to stand strong and trust him. It's a very scary situation knowing I am sick, unemployed and have a newborn to worry about. I'm sure I'm not the first woman in this situation; however, it feels like I'm all alone. I know i'm not I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me and I know they will be there. But I still feel so alone at times it's nerve rackings. I pray that God will get me through this storm and on to bluer skies quickly.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Another Day/ A better day

The last few weeks have been very rough. Last night I told a friend, I was giving it all to God and I did. Today he solved 2 problems for a dear friend of mine and one of mine all in a 2 hour period. All I could think was wow that was quick. My friend has been trying to start college and kept running into problems. Well today all the problems were solved, college is paid for with an unexpected grant and books are purchased with an unexpected book voucher from the school to cover him until his government aid kicks in. As for me the jobless, pregnant single freaked out one, I had a call today for a job interview with a school that I applied to last year. I am very excited, I know it's not the job, I have had several interviews at this point and no job. I am trusting that if this is where God wants me that door will open. If not I'm having to rely on God to get me through this. I have to constantly remind myself that when God closes a door he opens the window. Until I find the correct door, I will keep seeking God.