My Road Revised and Revisited

My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

random thoughts

I am trying to balance 3 blogs now and a baby...lol as if I wasn't busy enough.....between trying to get my energy back to what it once was; this post baby and post thryoidectomy weight off and finding a job that pays worth a darn I have very little time. I have noticed in this busy scheudle of mine my stress level is higher and higher; then I realize the simple things I am not doing. I long for a simple schedule of getting up @ the same time everyday for work; my current job does not even have that. I know some people love setting their own hours, while it is nice in some aspects with a baby in others I do not have enough motivation at times for this idea to be very productive. I thrive on a routine, get up take a shower, wake the baby, feed the baby, so on and so forth...when I come home feed the baby, bathe the baby and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I thrive on a schedule. I like spontataniety for spring break vacations or summer vacations; however for my daily life I need a plan.

For many years before I went to bed I read a little and then I wrote. Here lately those two things are lacking. My stack of books to finish is now as tall as it was when I was in college. My brain is as scrambled as the eggs I eat in the morning. I notice that when I do not write I make no sence. My writing is rambling and odd I am sure but somehow it clears my head and everything seems better once I write it out. I used to tell my students to write it out all the time. I know that it can help you say what you want to say but for some reason when you say it out loud it always comes out wrong. Writing is as natural to me as breathing. I love the rythmn of keys of my laptop. Even on paper I love the sound of a pen to paper....yes if you write franticly like I do there is a sound to it. My keyboard and I are like two long lost friends seeing each other for the first time in years. We are the friends who just pick up where we left off. What is even funnier to me is that when I looked through my edited posts of my blogs my baby blog had 4 posts that were started and never finished. One had nothing but a title, not very helpful when I am trying to remember what I was wanting to say. Some were fully written just not edited or published. Some were notes of what I intended to say but did not have time to finish. This is something that would have made me nuts years ago but now I simply have to take in stride and realize the blog is on the back burner now matter how bad I want to sit for an hour and write till my lil heart is content. For now my heart must be content with 5 min spurts. :)
But the rest of my evening is filled with the coos and laughter of the cutest lil boy I ever made. :) lol

Landon

He's perfect. From the peach fuzz on his head to the 2 little webbed toes he is just like me. He looks just like me at that ages even when he cries. Which he really does not do that much...when he does something is definately wrong. You forgot a bottle, tummy hurts or something.
He knows me. Thankfully because in 5 weeks I will have to leave him for a week to get my Radioactive Isotope for my cancer treatment. I won't be able to hold him or feed him for 20 days. The 48 hours for surgery was killer. I can't imagine what this is going to do to me. I know God has his hand on both of us already. I know God did not bring him in my life to take me from him this early. I will do what I have to do but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I have trouble sleeping when he's not in the room or at least on the baby monitor. I'm not sure that my family realizes that but it's true. I already freak out about him getting sick or people getting him sick. I'm worried it's too cold for him to go to the park in his stroller when I go walking. Now mind you I have every type of stroller/carrier wind proof thing known to man. According to my sister he could manage Boston with some of this stuff but I'm not to sure about this Katy Perry...hot then cold weather we have in east texas.

He's changed me forever...it's not just a cliche... I thought it was but I know it's not now. I won't ever look @ life the same way again. I always wonder what life is like from his eyes and his point of view.
I not the same person and I'm glad I'm not.

Changes Keep Rolling

Well in less than a week Landon will be here. Ready or not time's up. I have found out another challenge; I have found out I have cancer. It's thyroid cancer and my doctor is very optomistic but it's still scary. I realize God is in control and he never gives me more than I can handle; however, right now I'm having trouble hanging on to that at times. I need to stand strong and trust him. It's a very scary situation knowing I am sick, unemployed and have a newborn to worry about. I'm sure I'm not the first woman in this situation; however, it feels like I'm all alone. I know i'm not I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me and I know they will be there. But I still feel so alone at times it's nerve rackings. I pray that God will get me through this storm and on to bluer skies quickly.

Another Day/ A better day

The last few weeks have been very rough. Last night I told a friend, I was giving it all to God and I did. Today he solved 2 problems for a dear friend of mine and one of mine all in a 2 hour period. All I could think was wow that was quick. My friend has been trying to start college and kept running into problems. Well today all the problems were solved, college is paid for with an unexpected grant and books are purchased with an unexpected book voucher from the school to cover him until his government aid kicks in. As for me the jobless, pregnant single freaked out one, I had a call today for a job interview with a school that I applied to last year. I am very excited, I know it's not the job, I have had several interviews at this point and no job. I am trusting that if this is where God wants me that door will open. If not I'm having to rely on God to get me through this. I have to constantly remind myself that when God closes a door he opens the window. Until I find the correct door, I will keep seeking God.

I'm really not alone

It's been a long road this summer. It's new and scary and i'm worried sick at times. I'm looking for a job, single and pregnant. Two outta three of those are almost always scary situations, you combine all three and it's nerve racking. I've been looking for a job close to my parents but those doors are closing. It's ironic that for the first time I honestly want to be home near my family, but it seems God is pulling me away from here. As my job search is expanding farther from home, I keep saying, I can't do this alone...I can't do this alone... I can't do this alone. Well today that little voice kicked in and reminded me that I am not truely alone in this; God will get me through it. I'm not sure if I will be offered a job before my due date or not, but I'm thankful for the reminder that God is with me and will get me through this if I trust in him. Guess I need to remember to let go of the wheel; I can't really give him the wheel, if I keep grabbing it as he's steering it.

Changes

My life is crazy right now. I've made some decisions that are changing my life forever; there's no looking back now. I'm scared, excited, nervous and happy all rolled into one. It's weird how life has changed over the last 2 months. For the first time in a long time; I'm having to truely give it to God and trust him. This is a good thing; I realize that. I hate that I went the wrong way for so long it took something this drastic to turn me back on the right path.