Insomnia reflections

Landon was in 3rd grade this year.

I had Mrs. Cannon in 3rd grade, had this happened when I was his age, I would have lost 8 weeks with one of the most influential women of my life.

Fast forward to High School, I'd loose valuable time with Mrs. Ratcliff, Mrs. Holmes, Mrs. Pickle, Mrs. Scott or Mrs. Duty Those women are why I chose to teach. They even influenced my major in College.

I couldn't write a coherent thought on paper properly until them.

Remove their influence and you change the entire trajectory of my life.

My hometown peeps, can y'all imagine Biology 2 without Mr. Gilchrist walking us through the dissections in that class daily or studying Chemistry for Mr. Nash or Mr. Markin from home? 
I would have failed. End of discussion.

Pick any High School Math class, I would have either failed it or passed by the skin of my teeth if it was sent home for me to learn independently.

Even with amazing parent support, it took so much time, love and support from my teachers for me to be successful.

I had ZERO confidence in my ability at that age. It wasn't my parents that taught me I can do it. It was my teachers. I can remember telling my mom "of course you think I'm smart, I'm your child".

When a teacher said I had a good idea; I knew they meant it.
They weren't paid to coddle me.
(My parents meant it also but you can't rationalize that with a sullen teenager. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️)

Even as adults, sometimes we just need an "attagirl" from someone other than our own DNA. It's human nature.

Here's the thing, our kids did it without daily "attagirls" and "attaboys"

THEY ARE ROCKSTARS!!!

They didn't like it, they whined and complained and acted like it was the hardest thing on Earth. For them it really was that hard, but they did it!!!!

Remind them they are rock stars, they need to be built up!!!! And because we are "just their parents", we've gotta make sure they know we're not saying just because we are mom or dad.

This life is scary and our kids are learning about scary and such a younger age than most of us.

Keep building them up they probably need lots of it.
They need those "attagirl" and "attaboys" so much more because right now their worlds have been turned upside down.

Landon Week 1

He's perfect, honestly. He looks just like me from the little peachfuz hair standing on the top of his head to the 2 toes that are webbed on his little foot. He is a laid back baby honestly. When he cries...something is wrong...seriously wrong....he knows me already...he just snuggles in when I hold him. he is already my world...I already can't remember my life without him. love when I see him that's all I can think....love pure and true love....

Predator~~Him / The Prey~ My Heart

**This one's an old journal...it doesn't have a date..but those who know me also know my story's always the same so it's hard to tell who it's really about....but here it goes***

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

***Focus girl, breathe, write it out, Pen in hand is the only time ADD doesn't make a difference. It's the only time you overcome it, focus...just write..it's as natural as breathing to you***

Why do I always jump ahead and screw things up. I end up being hurt every time. I get caught up in the flames and end up burned. Im tired of feeling like this, IDK where I belong or where I'm supose to turn. I'm frustrated and confused. I'm happy and sad; laughing and crying all rolled into one. I'm spinning into circles again....
I'm scared. I'm alone and I'm shaking. I'm all twisted, hurt and it's my fault. I bring it on myself. I am my own worst enemy. And it never fails I get sidetracked and loose sight of my goal. Now i'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm cold, I'm scared. He doesn't know, he could have already hurt me..how the hell did he get in? He's working past a wall. A wall built up over years and years. The harder I fight the closer he gets. That part is blocked off, tied up and dead; or so I thought...guess I was wrong because somehow, he's right there so close to breaking in. I'm not sure what to think. He's everything I looked for and everything I thought was impossible to find..I'm scared it will be over before it starts...that hurts...it's not my call I just have to wait and see. I'm scared of being hurt again. The scars are fresh so fresh that my brain says runaway. My hear says wait, this feels different...but is it? I can't tell he is for real...or like all the others...that hurt girl says "he got what he wanted see if he stays." The faithful part of me who believes there is good in people says "just trust him"
Trust is hard when the scars are there constantly reminding you not to trust, not to believe, not to listen. I'm so scared now. But it's to late...
I just have to stand here looking fearless and never letting him know, how truly close he is.....no matter what...he'll never know....

My Road Revised and Revisited

My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

random thoughts

I am trying to balance 3 blogs now and a baby...lol as if I wasn't busy enough.....between trying to get my energy back to what it once was; this post baby and post thryoidectomy weight off and finding a job that pays worth a darn I have very little time. I have noticed in this busy scheudle of mine my stress level is higher and higher; then I realize the simple things I am not doing. I long for a simple schedule of getting up @ the same time everyday for work; my current job does not even have that. I know some people love setting their own hours, while it is nice in some aspects with a baby in others I do not have enough motivation at times for this idea to be very productive. I thrive on a routine, get up take a shower, wake the baby, feed the baby, so on and so forth...when I come home feed the baby, bathe the baby and snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I thrive on a schedule. I like spontataniety for spring break vacations or summer vacations; however for my daily life I need a plan.

For many years before I went to bed I read a little and then I wrote. Here lately those two things are lacking. My stack of books to finish is now as tall as it was when I was in college. My brain is as scrambled as the eggs I eat in the morning. I notice that when I do not write I make no sence. My writing is rambling and odd I am sure but somehow it clears my head and everything seems better once I write it out. I used to tell my students to write it out all the time. I know that it can help you say what you want to say but for some reason when you say it out loud it always comes out wrong. Writing is as natural to me as breathing. I love the rythmn of keys of my laptop. Even on paper I love the sound of a pen to paper....yes if you write franticly like I do there is a sound to it. My keyboard and I are like two long lost friends seeing each other for the first time in years. We are the friends who just pick up where we left off. What is even funnier to me is that when I looked through my edited posts of my blogs my baby blog had 4 posts that were started and never finished. One had nothing but a title, not very helpful when I am trying to remember what I was wanting to say. Some were fully written just not edited or published. Some were notes of what I intended to say but did not have time to finish. This is something that would have made me nuts years ago but now I simply have to take in stride and realize the blog is on the back burner now matter how bad I want to sit for an hour and write till my lil heart is content. For now my heart must be content with 5 min spurts. :)
But the rest of my evening is filled with the coos and laughter of the cutest lil boy I ever made. :) lol

Landon

He's perfect. From the peach fuzz on his head to the 2 little webbed toes he is just like me. He looks just like me at that ages even when he cries. Which he really does not do that much...when he does something is definately wrong. You forgot a bottle, tummy hurts or something.
He knows me. Thankfully because in 5 weeks I will have to leave him for a week to get my Radioactive Isotope for my cancer treatment. I won't be able to hold him or feed him for 20 days. The 48 hours for surgery was killer. I can't imagine what this is going to do to me. I know God has his hand on both of us already. I know God did not bring him in my life to take me from him this early. I will do what I have to do but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
I have trouble sleeping when he's not in the room or at least on the baby monitor. I'm not sure that my family realizes that but it's true. I already freak out about him getting sick or people getting him sick. I'm worried it's too cold for him to go to the park in his stroller when I go walking. Now mind you I have every type of stroller/carrier wind proof thing known to man. According to my sister he could manage Boston with some of this stuff but I'm not to sure about this Katy Perry...hot then cold weather we have in east texas.

He's changed me forever...it's not just a cliche... I thought it was but I know it's not now. I won't ever look @ life the same way again. I always wonder what life is like from his eyes and his point of view.
I not the same person and I'm glad I'm not.

Changes Keep Rolling

Well in less than a week Landon will be here. Ready or not time's up. I have found out another challenge; I have found out I have cancer. It's thyroid cancer and my doctor is very optomistic but it's still scary. I realize God is in control and he never gives me more than I can handle; however, right now I'm having trouble hanging on to that at times. I need to stand strong and trust him. It's a very scary situation knowing I am sick, unemployed and have a newborn to worry about. I'm sure I'm not the first woman in this situation; however, it feels like I'm all alone. I know i'm not I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me and I know they will be there. But I still feel so alone at times it's nerve rackings. I pray that God will get me through this storm and on to bluer skies quickly.

Another Day/ A better day

The last few weeks have been very rough. Last night I told a friend, I was giving it all to God and I did. Today he solved 2 problems for a dear friend of mine and one of mine all in a 2 hour period. All I could think was wow that was quick. My friend has been trying to start college and kept running into problems. Well today all the problems were solved, college is paid for with an unexpected grant and books are purchased with an unexpected book voucher from the school to cover him until his government aid kicks in. As for me the jobless, pregnant single freaked out one, I had a call today for a job interview with a school that I applied to last year. I am very excited, I know it's not the job, I have had several interviews at this point and no job. I am trusting that if this is where God wants me that door will open. If not I'm having to rely on God to get me through this. I have to constantly remind myself that when God closes a door he opens the window. Until I find the correct door, I will keep seeking God.

I'm really not alone

It's been a long road this summer. It's new and scary and i'm worried sick at times. I'm looking for a job, single and pregnant. Two outta three of those are almost always scary situations, you combine all three and it's nerve racking. I've been looking for a job close to my parents but those doors are closing. It's ironic that for the first time I honestly want to be home near my family, but it seems God is pulling me away from here. As my job search is expanding farther from home, I keep saying, I can't do this alone...I can't do this alone... I can't do this alone. Well today that little voice kicked in and reminded me that I am not truely alone in this; God will get me through it. I'm not sure if I will be offered a job before my due date or not, but I'm thankful for the reminder that God is with me and will get me through this if I trust in him. Guess I need to remember to let go of the wheel; I can't really give him the wheel, if I keep grabbing it as he's steering it.

Changes

My life is crazy right now. I've made some decisions that are changing my life forever; there's no looking back now. I'm scared, excited, nervous and happy all rolled into one. It's weird how life has changed over the last 2 months. For the first time in a long time; I'm having to truely give it to God and trust him. This is a good thing; I realize that. I hate that I went the wrong way for so long it took something this drastic to turn me back on the right path.

Heartache~For Laura~

*this one is old too..*

My heartaches
My headhurts
I can't breathe
I can't move
I miss the laughs
I miss the smiles
The parties, the jokes,
The girly days, pedicures
Us being goofy.
Us being cool
Why where you there
Why did you leave
Why are you gone??


I'm so mad you were taken.
We needed you here!
What were you thinking!
I wish you were here,
So I could yell at you or
Argue with you
You were my sister,
 my firend my inspiration,
you made me fight harder
 care more and never give up.
now you're not here; we're alone...
Wondering if things could be different,
if we could have changed it somehow...
I wished I'd made you come
home with me that weekend,
maybe then you'd still be here.


*on a side note of this* The first half of this is written about a month after my friend died. I wrote the second half later...once anger and set in past grief and denial...

It's ironic that I just told a friend last week that we can't over analyize things I said you can't live life on coulda, shoulda, woulda. I told that friend; when your times up it's up.
...i do believe that..it's weird how in anger you see may see things differently.
My friend would have celebrated her birthday this week. When I realized that; it hurt. She's gone but never forgotten.

Remember girl; not one day will pass in my life where I don't think of you. You definately changed my life forever; you were the unexpected friend in the most unlikely of places but you definately changed me for the better. Save me a seat; I'll see you when I get there! Love ~ME

Shining Knight Dented Armor

* I wrote this last year for Veteran's Day in Honor of one of dearest friends. I finally was able to read it to him so now here it is for all the world to see ***

He says I'm no hero cuz hero's are dead.
He says He's a Battle Scarred Knight in Dented Armor
For almost 20 years this place he has severed.
His family has prayed, worried and waited to see him come home.
It's not all yellow ribbons; it's hard and it's cold.
Unanswered emails and no one to hold.

He finally arrives on that bittersweet day.
They are all glad to see him but know he's not the same.
Nightmares, cold sweats and pain no normal man can bear
Are all just part of the game for this soldier to bear.
His back hurts, his shoulders ache; somedays he can barely move.
To walk down the street and hear him be criticized and booed.
His knees are gone; and his son's almost grown.
A lifetime he has missed.

He hurts at night when he lays down to rest
He longs for the day when he can again wear that vest.
He loves this place; this land is his home
but for the battle scarred knight, war is all he has known.
This shining knight with his dented armor.
He says I no Hero cuz hero's are dead.
He thinks to little of himself; that's what I see.
He's something to all of us for the life that he leads.


Thanks for everything you've done...enjoy your retirement! You have earned it! Lots of love and gratitued. :) Robin

ok i posted this 2 years ago but it needs to be on here again just for christmas...

Three Letters From Teddy
Ok this is my all time favorite Christmas story. So I'm posting it on here for everyone. It's a story that was published in Home Life Magazine many many years ago. But it's absolutely Wonderful!!!



Three Letters From Teddy by Elizabeth Silance Ballard

Teddy's letter came today and now that I've read it, I will place it in my cedar chest with the other things important to my life.
"I wanted you to be the first to know." I smiled as I read the words he had written, and my heart swelled with a pride that I had no right to feel. I have not seen Teddy Stallard since he was a student in my fifth-grade class, 15 years ago.
It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially they are not to show dislike for a child, any child. Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that one cannot help but be attracted to, for teachers are human, and it is a human nature to like bright, pretty, intelligent people, whether they are 10 years old or 25. And sometimes, not too often fortunately, there will be one or two students to whom the teacher just can't seem to relate.
I thought myself quite capable of handling my personal feelings along that line until Teddy walked into my life. There wasn't a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy was most assuredly one I disliked. He was dirty. Not just occasionally, but all the time. His hair hung low over his ears, and he actually had to hold it out of his eyes as he wrote his papers in class. (And this was before it was fashionable to do so!) Too, he had a particular odor about him that I could never identify. His physical faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired also. By the end of the first week, I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind, but he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.
Any teacher will tell you it's more of a pleasure to teach a bright child. It is definitely more rewarding for one's ego. But any teacher worth her credentials can channel work to the bright child, keeping him challenged and learning while she puts her major effort on the slower ones. Any teacher can do this. Most teachers do it, but I didn't. Not that year. In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy's papers, the cross-marks (and they were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary.
"Poor work!" I wrote with a flourish. While I did not actually ridicule the boy, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, for he quickly became the class "goat," the outcast - the unlovable and the unloved. He knew I didn't like him, but he didn't know why. Nor did I know - then or now - why I felt such and intense dislike for him. All I know is he was a little boy no one cared about, and I made no effort in his behalf. The days rolled by and we made it through the Fall Festival, the Thanksgiving holidays, and I continued marking happily with my red pen. As the Christmas holidays approached, I knew Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth-grade level. He would be a repeater. To justify myself, I went to his cumulative folder from time to time. He had very low grades for the first four years, but no grade failure. How he had made it, I didn't know. I closed my mind to the personal remarks:
First grade: "Teddy shows promise by work and attitude but has a poor home situation."Second grade: "Teddy could do better. Mother terminally ill. He received little help at home."Third grade: "Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. Mother passed away end of year."Fourth grade: "Very slow, but well behaved. Father shows no interest."
"Well, they passed him four times, but he will certainly repeat fifth grade! Do him good!" I said to myself.
And then the last day before the holiday arrived. Our little tree on the reading table sported paper and popcorn chains. Many gifts were heaped underneath, waiting for the big moment. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. There was not a student who had not brought me one. Each unwrapping brought squeals of delight and the proud giver would receive effusive thank-you's.
His gift wasn't the last one I picked up; in fact, it was in the middle of the pile. It's wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had colored Christmas trees and red bells all over it. It was stuck together with masking tape.
"For Miss Thompson - from Teddy," it read. The group was completely silent, and for the first time I felt conspicuous, embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap that gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk. A gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne - half empty. I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn't sure I could look at Teddy.
"Isn't this lovely?" I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?" He smiled shyly as he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few ooh's and ahhs, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears. I continued to open the gifts until I reached the bottom of the pile.
We ate our refreshments, and the bell rang. The children filed out with shouts of "See you next year!" and "Merry Christmas!" but Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked toward me clutching his gift and books to his chest. "You smell just like Mom," he said softly. "Her bracelet looks real pretty on you too. I'm glad you liked it." He left quickly, and I locked the door, sat down and wept, resolving to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared. I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from the end of the holidays until the last day of school. Sometimes we worked together. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers.
Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. Gradually there was a definite upward curve in his grades. He did not have to repeat the fifth grade. In fact, his final averages were among the highest in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him. Teddy had reached a level that would stand him in good stead the following year, no matter where he went. He had enjoyed a measure of success and as we were taught in our teacher training courses: "Success builds success."
I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later, when his first letter appeared in our mailbox.
"Dear Miss Thompson,I just wanted you to be the first to know. I will be graduating second in my class next month.
Very truly yours,Teddy Stallard."
I sent him a card of congratulations and a small package, a pen and pencil gift set. I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy's second letter came.
"Dear Miss Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. I was just informed I'll be graduating first in my class. The university has not been easy, but Iliked it.
Very truly yours,Teddy Stallard."
I sent him a good pair of sterling silver mono-grammed cuff links and a card, so proud of him I could burst! And now - today - Teddy's third letter.
"Dear Miss Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today I am Theodore J. Stallard, M.D. How about that!!?? I'm going to be married in July, the 27th, to be exact. I wanted to ask if you could come and sit where Mom would sit if she were here. I'll have no family there as Dad died last year.
Very truly yours,Ted Stallard."
I'm not sure what kind of gift one sends to a doctor on completion of medical school and state boards. Maybe I'll just wait and take a wedding gift, but my note can't wait.
"Dear Ted,
Congratulations! You made it, and you did it yourself! In spite of those like me and not because of us, this day has come for you. God bless you. I'll be at that wedding with bells on!"

here you come again...

We once seemed perfect for each other...
it ended so fast...
i thought it was a fling;
not meant to last....
then you were gone and i was left all alone;
then i realized that i was wrong.
it was stark reality through my heart as a realized
the truth was my life had become one big lie...
days turned to weeks, weeks to months ...
all at once I realized what I had feared had come true
I thought I loved him...thought he was my world..when all along
it was you...
i said things i didn't mean,
said things to make you stay away
when deep down all i hope for was the day
the day you'd return
now i know that's no more..
then all of a sudden your at my front door.
do i tell you the truth after a lifetime of lies..
do i let you know how hard i cried...
i held his hand stayed by his side
but every night silent tears i cried
tears for my loss of my friend and my love
tears for what i thought was a gain
that did nothing but cause me years of sorrow and pain..
you think i bounced back you think i never cried...
honey..i hope that you know that was a big lie...
the day you left part of me died..
you'll never realize how you hurt me inside.
can we move on even as friends...
i'm not sure...
all i do know is i'll love you till the end....

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another educator's delima

You know there's alot of things that are just frankly pissing me off right now. It may not be right for me to say it this way or to just write it for all the world to see but oh well. Something has gotta change. For those of you that don't know I am a teacher. I love my job, serously. No I'm not crazy (as those of you who have teenagers are asking I'm sure). It's the most awesome rewarding job and as hard as it is at times, I love it!

HOWEVER; if you want to know what's wrong with the world today take a look in our classrooms. Some people may have made this connection, but the problem is worse than than many realize. Let me explain, many of people believe that our problems began when we took God out of our schools. I believe it goes alot farther than that. Many laws that teacher must follow no longer hold a child accountable for their actions. That is a tragedy for our future. Teachers see this is causing a problem; however, we can't change it. Unfortunately we are on the wrong side of that wall.

For those of you that do not know; in Texas, you cannot give a student less than a 50 for a six weeks grade. Translation, a child can sit in a classroom and do absolutely nothing and still get half the credit. Granted that is a failing grade; however, they can do that a couple of six weeks, and still pass as long as they have a 70 at the end of the year. Question? If I never do my work at my job do I still get half a paycheck? This is the message we send children; you get something for nothing...you get a 50. Growing up we knew if you did nothing you recieved nothing; when did that change? It hasn't in life outside a classroom, so why is it taught in our school system?

My next rant is attendence. A student in high school can show up and leave by 10:15 and is counted present for the day. Does this mean I can leave my job at 10:15 and not loose my paycheck? It gets even better. A student can miss up to 10 days is supose to fail; however, a school can allow them to make up absences in detention after school to keep from failing....can I miss 11 days of work, stay late one day and not get fired????

Here is my point, if your missing it, we teach our children that they can half ass do the work, scrape by in school and that's ok. However we are shocked when they can't manage to make it in college or hold a job. How can we expect them to make it in the real world when we did not teach them they are accountable for their actions? We fail to teach them that there is a consequence for your actions and sometimes it means you have to do the job all over again. Growing up I had teachers I hated because they held me accountable for my work; they didn't grade on a curve or cut me slack because I was not the best reader or only an average student. They held me to the same expectations of my classmates. I coudn't not stand them as a student; however, as I got older I had a deeper appreciation for them. If it were not for them I would not be the person I am today. I can still hear my 6th grade social studies teacher tell me "if you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it again?" Students don't hear that enough in today's world.

How in the world will a child learn to work hard and be sucessful when they are 20 if they were never taught how to work hard when they were younger?

What I miss

Why am I always the last to know or the last to figure something out? Why am I so restless in my life. Most people are happy going to work, coming home, walking the dog, going to they gym and the grocery store then back home. I'm not...I never have been...I'm so restless here. For those who don't know about a year and a half ago I decided to leave Houston and start teaching at a school in my home town. I went from metro city life to extremely small town life. I do love where I'm from afterall, it's home. I like to visit here...that is it's appeal...it's my roots but I've outgrown this place and need to spread out more. I miss Houston. I miss the city and the lights and the noise. I miss having somewhere to go late at night other than a bar. I miss being able to walk downtown and listen to the traffic on the freeway. I miss all of it...I love home and will visit often but i'm ready to move on and be back in the city...somewhere...not sure if its Houston another state or what but I miss it that excitement alot. *SIGH*

It's Been A While

I have not written in forever. I told my best friend the other night that I don't make sence when I'm not writing. Evidently even he realizes that. He informed me that he can tell by my mood how long it has been since I have written anything. I wanted to slap him and ask him then why don't you ever say anything....sometimes I just can't think of anything.....I know he would reply that I could never be at a lost for words but yes I could.

I'm going to try to start writing more. I hope my muse comes to me. I have been playing around in my journal but i'm not posting that yet it's still too rough...very rough...anyway...cheers and here's to a good year and lots of inspiration to write about.

I saw you last night

I saw you last night

I could hear your laugh and feel the warmth of your smile.

I saw you last night.

I gave you a hug you were really there.

I saw you last night

When I saw you last night.

it was as if you never were gone.

I saw you last night.

We were lauughing, giggling and gosiping.

I saw you last night.

I felt your hair to make sure you were real.

I saw you last night

I thought you were a dream

I saw you last night

It was like that night never happened

I saw you last night.

and for a moment my world stood still

I saw you last night

and for a brief second this hole in my soul was gone.

I saw you last night.

And this morning you were still gone.

For Sonny

For Sonny
Cherrish every moment. don't
ever let anything go unsaid...as long as it's worth saying...

you always had a smile and a hug
your laughter filled a room.
i met you when life was simple
and we lived for the moment
times that we all may secretly wish to go back to....

I remember the day I met you, I thought....how in the world is he tiger's brother...you guys were so different yet so much the same....looking at
me and my sister now it all makes sence.

i'll always remember that night when you got that tat...I think we were sitting in the merle bruce dorm room and cherry used a needle and indian ink...i thought that was the baddest tat i'd ever seen. i still think about that thing when someone talks about tattoos.
i'll remember the day you told me you wanted to marry becca....i was so excited for her... i knew she would flip....
i remember wishing i could go to utah for the wedding. i remember talking to you guys in pheonix....i remember when you came home.....the sound in your voice.....talking to you at the hopsital....i remember when you realized life goes on and you came to nac with tiger....I went and watched you guys play ball. I never though about it till now but i'll never forget that ball game now or the ride in your jeep...it's kinda funny i own one now...maybe that jeep obsession is your fault too (not just my dads) even though i never thought about it...till now...I tried to find you guys when i moved to houston...i never had any luck...that was the first time ever i couldn't find either of you...

it's funny how life goes on but people stay with you in your heart forever...you and tiger were both that way for me. You guys just had a way of making my day better. God dropped you guys in my life only for a second but you changed me for good.


i remember....i'll always remember.......

heavens a better place with you but this place just doesn't seem the same knowing your not here...